Dealing With Children's Lies
The other day my six-year old told a "whopper" of a lie. The untruth grew as his explanation continued. When he was finished, I wanted to submit his fictional version to a magazine for publication.
Why do children feel compelled at times to tell lies? And what is the best method parents can use to effectively deal with the situation? I asked Katie Kirkham, counselor at Beattie Elementary for some advice.
According to Katie, all children may deviate from the truth on occasion. Understanding the reasons behind a young child's lying behavior and the needs being revealed are the keys to solving the problem.
The preschooler's lively imagination often makes him\her unable to distinguish between true and false -- reality and fantasy. These phases occur almost regularly between ages two and four. Highly imaginative children with vivid daydreams may go through such a stage even later.
In this case, the child fails to tell the truth because he believes his fantasies are real, or he is curious to discover what will happen when he puts the fictions of his imagination to the test of reality.
Parents who practice severe punishment unwittingly may promote lying. It's easier for the preschooler to let his "imaginary friend" take the blame than suffer disapproval or time-out. To an elementary-aged child, avoiding punishment or harsh consequences can be a strong motivator for truth twisting.
Untruthfulness can become an expression of the struggle for superiority between child and parent or an emerging independence on the child's part.
The lying behavior could also reveal hidden problems. Failure at home or school may be so painful that the child lies to cover the pain. The need to win friends or obtain approval from parents or teachers can trigger untruths. Exaggeration of the facts can make the child the center of attention, earning prestige in the child's mind and causing him to feel good about himself.
Dealing With Lying Behavior
So what can parents do to counteract the lying behavior? Katie has a number of suggestions. She prefaces these by emphasizing that the continuous liar is desperate for a chance to be successful. Otherwise, there would be no need to lie. Lying is not only irrational action but may be a cry for help.
- Don't ignore the lying behavior, children will just invent bigger stories and continue the pattern. Confront the child and try to discover the reason for the behavior, plus the pressure that led to the lie.
- Never call the child a liar. This labels the child and may further ingrain the undesired behavior -- for what a young child hears about himself can determine what he becomes. Question the story's factual content instead. The child may have dug himself in a deeper hole with the lie and need assistance to pull himself out. Redirect the tale by having the child begin over and stop him when untruths enter the explanation. Example: Refocus his thoughts by saying, "That doesn't sound possible to me. Have you left something
out? Let's go over that part again. I want to understand."
- With the preschooler, work with him\her on recognizing real and unreal through examples in everyday life versus make believe. Reassure the child that you will still love him\her regardless of behavior. Model honest behavior yourself and explain what it means to tell the truth.
Build a better relationship with your child -- reject the behavior, not the child. Listen to his\her concerns. Reinforce that you like the child, not the lying. Praise risks that the child takes daily -- playing in a soccer match or taking dance lessons. Verbally reward the child when honesty is exhibited. Keep communication open between home and school to deal with behavior problems.
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Pam Wynne Fellers is a local free-lance writer and mother. This
informaton originally ran in the Parent to Parent column she writes for
The Coloradoan, a daily Fort Collins, CO newspaper.
Parent To Parent: Dealing With Children's Lies / EpiTwo@aol.com